The Age of Non-Commitment, Commitment
I'm back with a special Talk That Talk Thursday blog post that will be dropping on Thanksgiving! Yeah, ya girl felt in the giving spirit so let's get into it!
We millennials live in the age of non-commitment, commitment and we seem to be perfectly fine with it. Now, I've never been a fan of it, but always seemed to end up in situations that perfectly reflected everything that says it's commitment, but really isn't. So what do I mean by this? I mean that millennials entertain the IDEA of commitment, but don't want to get their feet all the way wet in the commitment pool. Millennials will put one foot in the commitment pool, but won't dare to let both feet soak. Why? My guess is that rejecting commitment is being more widely accepted. The rise of situationships, relationships without titles, friends with benefits etc., have caused my generation to feel like there is no rush on commitment. Basically, you can have your cake and eat it too and the other person involved is supposed to completely understand and agree with it.
In my blog post last week, I talked about the double standard of cheating and this ties into non-commitment, commitment because women will stay with a man for 10 years, have three children by him, and still not be married to him. In most of these cases, their men have cheated on them multiple times, obviously because the "commitment" didn't mean much to them. So what's my point? My point is that in my opinion there should be a clear distinction between commitment and non-commitment. There shouldn't be a gray area of what exactly commitment is. You're either committed or you're not; meaning that if you're not in a relationship with someone, then it wouldn't be smart to act like you're in a relationship. One or both people involved will definitely become confused about what's going on. Need more clarity? Stop going to meet his mama and auntie, cooking for him, buying him gifts, driving him to work, etc. if he can't even tell you what's going on between you two. If a man truly wants to commit and is serious about it, he'll take the relationship to the next level without you having to beg or have "the talk."
And Queens we've got to stop giving out all the goods BEFORE we get commitment. I know we're all guilty of doing too much before we know where we stand with a guy, but as I get older, I realize that a man doesn't deserve husband benefits until he's actually my husband. Marriage is true commitment. When he can step up to the plate and accept the duty of doing life WITH you for the rest of your lives, that's when you know its's real. There's nothing wrong with being a supportive girlfriend, but in my opinion many things should be reserved for your husband.
Don't want to join the non-committed, committed age? Here are a few tips! You might side eye me, but it's the truth.
- Stop calling him "hubby," "husband,"etc. if you aren't married to him. Girl, you're just setting yourself up to get your feelings hurt. You'll have plenty of time to call him your husband when he actually is.
- Don't move in with him before marriage. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know plenty of you will disagree, but I say this not only for spiritual reasons, but also from a sociological standpoint. Cohabiting before marriage actually increases the chance of you not making it to the altar because your man will feel less pressure to pop the question, or plan the wedding if you're already engaged. And if you're practicing celibacy of course this isn't a good idea. I mean who can resist a man walking around in gray sweatpants all the time?! Don't set yourself up.
- Don't be impressed by an engagement ring. Yes, of course you're allowed to be ecstatic about him proposing, but don't allow the ring to put the relationship in neutral. When he proposes he should be ready for marriage. He shouldn't still be trying to figure it out, so do not accept a five-year engagement with absolutely no wedding plans. Chances are he just gave you a ring to shut you up.
- If your relationship hasn't moved forward, leave! Don't be the woman that settles. If you want to take the relationship to the next level and he doesn't, it's OK to leave. There's no way you should still be asking where you stand with someone or if you're his girlfriend if you've been with him for years. Move on girl. He's not ready.
- Stop believing that there's a specific time frame to pursue marriage. I just began to understand this one. I remember I would judge people so hard that got married after only a year of dating, but now I get that there is no time frame that fits every single couple. I will say that it doesn't take 10 years to figure out if you want to marry someone. Now depending on your age, you might be more pre-cautious, but honestly I don't think you need more than a year or two to realize that marriage is what you want. And no, I'm not crazy! Think about it like this... even if you are in a relationship with someone for 5-10 years, you still don't know every single thing about them. Therefore, getting married after a year means that you will learn them even more through marriage and grow with them.